I laid in bed today and just let myself feel my feelings. I keep saying I have cried enough, but I in fact have not. I have cried over being caused pain by disappointment, not feeling safe, feeling not good enough, feeling lost. I have yet, until this week cried over grieving the loss. The loss of what I had hoped the future would be, the person I thought he was, the friendship, the love, the sex, the fun, and the person I was who was attracted to him. Grief is a hard thing and it has always come in waves for me and is intense. Often I shut down and feel nothing, sometimes for good, sometimes until the intensity of the pain subsides enough that feeling the feeling isn’t overwhelming. This grief is almost overwhelming but is overshadowed with anticipation of what is to come now, of healing, of empowerment, and of being so very proud of myself.

In my own vulnerability I am facing what is a tremendous, gut wrenching, heart searing pain. It is uncomfortable. It is raw. It is intense. But most of all it is healing. I laid here and sobbed an ugly sob, the kind where you know the depths of your soul is crying, you know that all of heaven can hear your cries and feel your sorrow. Even as I’m writing this, I’m looking at a screen through tear filled blurry eyes. My words I can barely see as I type but oh how I can feel them. Feel the intense grief that is shattering and shaking me down to the core, allowing myself to feel it no matter how intense. And knowing I am safe to feel the intense pain. My heart is broken into more than a million pieces and every piece is crying out, please heal me. Every piece is crying why. Every piece is crying this is not how this was supposed to happen. Every piece is crying I don’t understand. Every piece is crying how could you say you love me in one breathe and the next lie. And every piece is crying we will not feel this again. Every piece is crying we will rise better than before. Every piece is crying I love you and am proud of you for loving yourself enough to walk away. To close the door on what isn’t safe, close the door on what is daily causing pain. This is my promise to myself, never again will I allow this type of mistreatment from someone else or from myself. Every day I will heal more and grow stronger and love myself more. Every day I will work toward becoming who I see my future self to be. She is me. She is now. She is who I am and who every version and every piece of me knows I am. And where there has been enormous pain and sorrow, there will be enormous joy and peace and love. God will replace all the pain with a love that is so indescribable it will be as if this pain didn’t exist, others will be amazed and I will live happily ever after because I deserve exactly that.

I will continue to embrace the waves of pain as they come and continue to embrace the healing and continue to embrace the love. Through this journey I will rise. Through this journey I will grow. Through this journey I will heal.