So I haven’t written in a few days or so. It felt like my world came crashing down yet again and I just didn’t have the words or the wherewithal to man through all the thoughts and feelings happening in my head. Even now, I have no idea what will come out, I have no title…I am just writing because it seems writing makes me feel more alive. The middle of the adventure is such a perfect title at 41 years old and still figuring it out, still healing from enormous amounts of a lifetime of trauma never dealt with. I thought I had it all figured out for a moment when I became successful and began achieving what such a small percentage could. I had no idea that that was just the tip of the iceberg. I almost want to invalidate it and say that means nothing but I know based on knowing me and I had to do to even get there that it still was so much growth. I had no idea 10 years ago that my self worth was in the tank. I had no idea that deep down I saw myself as nothing and not worth anything. My children were my only why. And now at 41 as they still very much are my why, I am forced with facing that they can’t be my only why. It has to be about me too and it has to be about personal development for me and for them. Money is not what will break my generational curses, healing is.

My relationships throughout my life with men have been one dumpster fire after another. I have tried everything from getting married to fix all my wrongs to deciding being married or having a relationship wasn’t for me. I was fooling myself to avoid doing the work. And now here I am standing amongst the ashes of one of biggest dumpster fires I have had yet. I am filled with feelings of failure, shame, sorrow and brokenness but I am also not. I am also filled with hope and joy and excitement and anticipation because for the first time in my life I am seeing so clearly my own mess. Whether it be his fault for the lies or mine for choosing and allowing it…. I choose to make it my fault, not from a place of victimhood but from a place of empowerment, knowing that when I can look at my own ugly that gives me the power to change.

Just got off the phone with my best guy friend and just listening to myself talk I sounded like a different person. The woman I am today is not even the same woman I was yesterday. Sitting here with tears just streaming down my face thinking about the amount this hurts but knowing that just like a workout where you tear the muscles in order for them to grow, in this tearing there also is growth. My heart hurts from the loss, from the loss of him and the loss of who I used to be. She served a purpose in getting to where I am and I am so thankful for her strength and tenacity and resilience and her wounds and scars. She is quote the beautiful woman and little girl. In this I chose to love myself, honor my boundaries, not self abandon, and grow. I chose me.