Let’s touch on my train wreck track of relationships…ooo this one will not feel good. Time to get called out!

So I have a track record and pattern. Does it suck to admit that? Yes it sure does. If memory serves me right and my memory is not the best but I’m sure as I continue on this journey more and more will come to memory or my crew of best friends will gladly remind me and laugh while we remember some of my horrible choices. Let me preface this by saying my track record is my fault, fully. Whether the man I chose sucks or I just suck. The fact is I chose the suck, both in him and in me. It all started with Bobby. He will always hold a space of a main character because he happens to be the father of my first child, the first love of my life and my first insanely, horrific toxic relationship. It’s almost funny to look back on this because almost every relationship I have ever had mimics in some way him. He is who I consider my first, the real first one doesn’t really count. It was a poor guy who I lied to about my age and I did not know at all, which of course that is what I would choose. My first sexual encounter a complete lie. But then there was Bobby. He broke and stole my heart. I couldn’t choose him and he wouldn’t choose me. He was my boyfriend but the moment we broke up I went on a rampage. I was angry and hurt but the truth is, how could he have chosen me when I behaved how I did. He started dating who was one of my best friends at that time but I did not care. In my eyes he was mine and she didn’t matter. I came and went as I pleased and if I wanted him he stopped all he was doing and into the abyss we would disappear. But we did horrible things to each other from me sleeping with his brother and his friends to him doing something that I really am not at liberty to reveal as of yet. When we fought we didn’t argue. It was mostly some harsh words but no yelling and often got physical. One time he spit on my sister and they got in a full fist fight in my car. Another time he threw me on my friends car. He stole from me, put me in numerous near death experiences and somehow I thought all of this was just so much fun…. I ruined any chance I had at a relationship that I ever had because of him. I’ll never forget my 18th birthday when I had a boyfriend and he told me Bobby couldn’t come, so what did I do…. I tricked him, knowing we were picking up Bobby, I lied and said we were only getting my sister’s boyfriend and when Bobby hopped into the car I played dumb as if omg, how could this happen, meanwhile I knew and just did not care. For years we played this cycle of hurting everyone else and hurting each other and me disappearing at random and sleeping with people he loved and cared about just to hurt him. Until I finally broke free, or so I thought. He had finally crossed a line I couldn’t come back from but it also was unfair of me based on the things I had done. But as usual, I can do it but if you do, fuck you I’m done. It had been about a year since I saw him. I had decided to go back to school after dropping out and went to get my GED and there he was. I ignored him but secretly wanted him so bad still. I remember the night like it’s a movie continuing on repeat in my head. I was taking my sister to her boyfriends house which was Bobbys best friend. Drop her off and out comes Bobby and hops into my car. He gets in and wants me to take him home, in the middle of a fucking blizzard mind you. So I make a deal with him, you drive and I’ll take you home. Such a stupid kid I was. As we’re driving we decide now is a good time to fuck, no not pulled over, while driving. So middle of a blizzard I hop on and as I expect now, how can a man, especially a boy control a car and himself at the same time, hence how we now have Gabriel.

And I will stop there….nothing like a little cliffhanger. :)