For me, the come down from a slew of craziness is always a time of self reflection. It used to look like hours on the couch or in bed and just drowning my sorrows in either alcohol or nothingness, isolating the world so no one could see my shame. Slowly it has evolved into something more healthy, whether it be drowning myself in work or a shopping spree or quietness in my room. Today the evolution reached a place deeper than ever before and much more healthy.

My day was filled with time with my daughter, nails, a little shopping, reading, writing, listening, reflecting, and pilates.

As I sat and waited for my daughter to come out of her orthodontist appointment which she was so excited for. It’s her last one before braces come off!! Woohoo!! …….. I listened to a podcast that I had no idea would have such an impact on me. It felt like this woman was watching exactly my behaviors and looking right at my soul as she described her own behavior. The best part was knowing that this is where she was and seeing where she is now and knowing if she can do it I can too. Listening to her talk about her pattern of triggers and explosive behavior that was completely irrational and seeing myself in it even down to the part where she shuts down after hit me on such a deep level. And now she has control of these triggers and explosions. I sat there and said outloud, “if she can then why not me, me too, I can do this too. I am not a lost cause. I do not have no control over this. I just have not yet been given the tools or was willing or open minded enough to hear and apply. So, me too.” Sometimes all it takes is an aha moment. Sometimes all it takes is being so sick of your own shit. Sometimes the mess you have created hurts so bad that it propels you into the unknown and things so uncomfortable that you never dreamed you could do it. Why? Because the pain you know you’ll face to change is nothing compared to the pain you have been enduring. What sparks change? I believe it is pain. For me it is pain. I can’t speak for everyone but I know in this adventure I have lived, my greatest shining moments have been the ones where I told myself enough is enough of your bull shit. It is time to put your big girl panties on, pull them up and get to work. Looking in the mirror at your own shit sucks but my God is it freeing to know you did this and are this and therefore have the power to change it. I am the creator of my story, and it is a great one, from beginning to end.

As I’m sitting here writing this I can say, Rochelle I am so proud of you. Proud of the little girl, the broken woman you were. Proud now of your courage to take on change. Pull your big girl panties up and let’s get to work.